Things I'd Never Say (part 2)

I wrote a similar post over the summer which is why this one is called part 2. Here is part 1.
Part 2 is slightly different because these are the actual responses going through my head when folks ask me strange-ass questions or say ridonkulous things to me, but as the title suggests - I would never ACTUALLY give these responses.

>> Is it tough for you to go shopping for clothes?
Not really, my entire outfit is probably still cheaper than your one shoe. 

>> Is it annoying for you to not be able to hear very well?
Nope. I might not be able to hear well but I read well. My ability to lip read is freakishly scary -- you think I don't know but in fact I caught every last word of your dirty little secret.

>> Do you wish you weren't always as dependent on others for help?
Nah, it makes me feel important and I literally don't even have to try very hard. 

>> Is it hard for you to get through crowds in your wheelchair?
Not at all, it's divine in fact! Crowds part for me like Moses parting the Red Sea. Literally, divine. 

>> How do you sleep?
With my fucking eyes fucking closed. But tonight you should sleep with one eye open because ignorance kills. 

>> Did teachers treat you differently in school?
Yes, I got away with everything and anything I wanted.  

>> Can I do anything to help you?
Yes, in fact you can do this entire thing for me while I sit and watch and further my laziness. Thanks for helping a great cause!

>> Should I get her a lid for her drink? (asked to my friends when we're all seated at a restaurant)
You should probably start running before 'her drink' winds up all over your face. 

>> You and your friends can just cut the line. 
Why? Because my brittle bones will get worse if I sat and waited a bit longer? Are my bones so fragile that time will crush them? 

>> Why are you in a wheelchair?
Because you people who walk don't make it look all that much fun. 

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