Showing posts with label appreciate yourself. Show all posts

This was just some random shit I was born with. It was something to overcome, some foreign and external obstacle that I had to hurtle over - always and forever. Something to manage and deal with "as necessary," a chore to tend to, something to make sure I kept in line and in check: hidden away, neat and tidy. That thing was limited to being a medical rarity, it was a thing that was forever dependent upon others, it required adaptive equipment and constant check-ups, or check-ins.
A few times, this thing, even said check mate -- but I always managed to slip out from its traps, wiping my brow and smiling proudly at having beaten the odds, or been strong in the fight against it. This was a part of me that I was expected to defeat, to pummel and then carry-on with grace, insight, and wit. Because if I didn't I would have succumbed, been defeated, let that thing over take my life -- and we all know that's totally unacceptable. I didn't realize that failing could sometimes feel like flying too, didn't know that when I fell I wouldn't always break.

There were times when this thing drove humongous craters between those closest to me, and I thought that there would never be a way to fill those gaps. I didn't know about the soil I could pour into those bottom-less pits; didn't realize all I had to do was open my clenched-fist-heart for just a few seeds to sprinkle out, and watch the little sprouts grow. I would never have known that a garden could fill those holes, a bridge of memories and experiences that those others and myself could traverse, freely wander and walk through hand-in-hand. I didn't realize that it would be possible to connect.

It wasn't something that had rights, just needs and most of them were special needs. My natural and self-evident rights were limited to the pursuit of a cure, help, and inspiration. There was no history worth speaking of, no history that you couldn't trace in medical files and irregular growth charts, there was no past that hadn't already been depicted in the black and white of an x-ray. Its history had no civil component to it, it was just purely medical, or dutifully recorded in the bullet-points of faded I.E.P. plans. The past of this thing didn't include any action I took in hopes of changing its course, it was always just the hand I was dealt and that was that. No questions asked, move-along now, next in line please.

So, now that I've met you? You've changed all of the above and more, for me. It's not really just any of the above stuff that keeps me going and keeps me coming back. It's the more, part of the story. It's the what-else-to-come chapter, the chapters ahead that we continue to write together. Many rays of shine, and bucket loads of thanks to you.

Rarely do I ever write about something that is current in this blog. Usually I'm drawing from old memories, face-cringing injuries, or from the endless pool of awkward life events I have stored up inside this quarter-century body. Today something happened that made me smile so broadly inside that I thought my chest could wrap its flimsy little rib bones around the whole Earth. So I wanted to share it:

Just a side note: I don't like saying the word 'jobs' 'volunteer opportunities' 'internships' or 'the regular ol' 9 to 5.' Instead I'm more apt to use words like 'side gigs,' 'projects,' 'a chance at world conquest' or 'opportunities for mind blows.'

One of my gigs is at a tiny, and I mean so tiny it's currently run by one 22 year old woman, and a grad student - homeless prevention organization. Some of you know that homelessness has long been an intellectual curiosity of mine, and it has since moved far beyond the realm of the classroom to real-life action. At this tiny organization is where I get to experiment with those curiosities. And yes, it is just as dangerously thrilling as it sounds. We work with individuals and families who are either already homeless or on the verge of homelessness, and these days it is the latter that has seen a piercing spike in numbers. Due to the economy and difficult job market, thousands of people are struggling to find a job to pay for the mortgage, make rent, put food on the table etc. The swing of living pay check to pay check offers little to no stability for families caught in this momentum.

All it takes is a sudden sickness or accident and as many of us know - life gets turned upside down. Soon we are not only scrambling to afford the everyday living expenses but also medical bills, transportation to doctor's visits, child care, gas, medication etc. Unfortunately for many those everyday bills are oblivious to our other life circumstances. When rent is due it's due, very few landlords have the compassion or logistical ability to consider a very sick child, or the fact that the head of household has just lost her job. Soon these are the folks who find themselves staring down an eviction notice and homelessness. All of this happens within days, sometimes within hours.
At this tiny organization that began in 2009 we have since prevented homelessness for 300 families, and been able to raise $300,000. How is it done? What makes it possible? Sorry -- that'll have to be for another post. But of the sometimes 5-8 different projects that I've got going on, this remains my proudest mind blow opportunity. I love what I do there. And to be able to say those six words is something I know I am incredibly fortunate to utter.

This tiny organization is mighty. It matters to the community and city we live in. Because people and families believe that they can make a difference, and what a difference it has made! I am lucky to even be a part of it, to be a part of the journey's the families are all braving as they move forward towards their goals. Most of the time those goals are as simple as "we want our daughters to live in a safe neighborhood, to do well in school, to not live in the shelter system, and to be proud of their parents." Think about it, how different are we from each other? Isn't that what every parent wants at the end of the day?

You would think that would be enough to make any person's day bright. And it does make every minute of my day worthwhile, challenging, exhausting, stressful, and driven. It keeps me moving forward. Over the past year that I have been involved with this organization I have become close with the 22 year old woman who makes the entire ensemble happen. K is wise beyond her years, charismatic, warm, sensitive, resourceful, creative.. I could go on.
Sometimes I worry whether or not I am seen as 'capable' in the professional world. Does she really think I'm able to do this? Is she just going along with my crazy ideas because she wants to give me a chance to learn? Does she see me for what I am able to bring to the table everyday? These are questions that spew from my brain because there are often moments when I am uncertain about my own self-confidence; this is particularly true in the work place/professional world where I am only just beginning to find my footing and build a reputation for myself. Am I doing the right thing? What are the assumptions people are making about my abilities? How do I present myself as an independent-thinking professional who uses a wheelchair? ...The questions are endless.

Today we were on our way to lunch. Recently K had injured her ankle in a trampoline dodgeball game (exactly what it sounds like), and was hobbling around the office on crutches. I told her that we should just get lunch delivered but she insisted that we "just go around the corner, there's a restaurant I want to try out." So I shrugged and trusted her judgment of how much hobbling on crutches she really wanted to do and off we went. We got to the restaurant and K went to go look at the menu posted on the window, from the window I could see that there were stairs leading into the restaurant.
In my mind I assumed that K had planned this in advance. (I mean the woman runs a homeless prevention organization for cryin' out loud!) I assumed that there was a wheelchair accessible entrance somewhere around the back, or that there was an elevator in the lobby that I just hadn't seen yet.

"Okay let's go in!" She hobbled ahead and we stood at the entrance staring up at the flight of stairs. That was when I realized that it was happening again, and my heart began to creep into a slow smile.
"Umm is there a wheelchair entrance somewhere?" I asked.
K turned to look at me, eyes wide in total shock and perhaps slight embarrassment --
"Oh Yeah... I hadn't even thought of that!"

All those thousands of questions about my self-confidence in the professional world evaporated the second she admitted her oversight. When will I learn that people see me for what I offer and not for the wheelchair? Or maybe I should learn how to be selective in who I include in my life, or learn how to collect those individuals to my real-time on-going life stream of adventures. Something tells me that I probably can't learn how to do this in a book. I'll just continue doing what I've always done: give it my all in everything I involve myself in and let the rest settle itself. 

In previous entries I have written about the guilt my mom may have grappled with, and I have also written about the guilt my friends may have had in the face of accidents.

But what about my own? Do I have any guilt that the O.I. has inadvertently brought on? Yes, plenty. Do I know how to deal with all of them? No absolutely not.

I feel guilty when my friends can't go places they really secretly want to go because it's not accessible for me. I feel guilty that someday my brothers might have a child with O.I. I feel guilty when family vacations are limited to what Sandy can or can't do. I feel guilty when I interrupt a crowded restaurant of diners who need to stand-up and pull in chairs so I can get past. I feel guilty when parents come up tell me "my child is severely disabled and is not nearly as capable as you are.." I feel guilty when I hear about babies with O.I. who are taken away from parents who are accused of child abuse. I feel guilty when I hear about how much my mother cried in my earliest days. The list could go on forever, each statement more absurd than the next.

Many of you are probably thinking, but Sandy none of this is really your fault or anything that you can control! I know, I know. Believe me I've told myself hundreds of thousands of times that friends are supportive. Family will always love you. Strangers are not blaming you. And you had no choice in this odd chain of events, it is what it is.
Yet that feeling exists. It's difficult to explain what it feels like but I will try: It is in the slow wave of red that washes over my face as I get embarrassed, it is in the uncertain eye-twitching awkward glance around the room, it's when I look down at the floor and mumble a useless "I'm sorry", it's tangled in that lump in my throat that I try to shrug away, sometimes it's in the complete blank stare that I give - eyes wide and filled with all the things that I could say but shouldn't need to. The feeling can be microscopic and a mere speck of dust on the tip of an eyelash, or it can be an enormous shadow that flicks across my face like clouds pacing in front of the moon. 

So how do I deal with it? Well that's an unfinished answer because I haven't really figured out how to exactly. Part of it is that I am getting better at my own self-confidence, and realizing my own self-worth. The notion that I am valued and not a free-loading burden presents itself to me in various ways every day. These are the moments when I wish my heart and my head were not such polar opposites; because the fact of the matter is at the end of the day no human being should feel guilty for being. Sometimes those moments of realization happen to snag on the fishhook of my attention, and then it wiggles desperately in front of my face until I think okay already, I get it - I have something else to be proud about! Other times these moments slip between my fingers no matter how many times they fall into the palms of my hands. But like a child splashing in the first real summer rainstorm I am out there, palms open and upward - grinning eagerly for that next opportunity to catch a drop of something sweet and joyous. All it takes is one drop for your entire hand to feel wet.  

In an odd way I am grateful that I am able to feel guilty at times. It means that a.) my friends & family are honest with me b.) that I am able to be honest with myself c.) that I am not living a life of false pretenses. This is the other way I attempt to deal with this sense of guilt that creeps up on me: I recognize that it is there. Sure it's never comfortable and it's never something that I look forward to doing, but every time it pops up I have been able to come away from the incident with more of myself intact than buried.

As a young child it was easy to get people's attention. Until about age 11 I remained the size of a small stuffed animal, and have been told that I was irresistibly adorable. Many adults were curious about the fragile seven year old who could converse with fourth grade vocabulary, but appeared to be the size of a two year old, and scurried across floors with the confidence and speed of a fourteen month old baby. Growing up I remember there was usually someone rapt with attention as my parents patiently explained my curious stature and why "the whites of her eyes are so blue." Among adults I had become used to being in the spotlight, accustomed to being listened to because of what I looked like and what I had.

Fast forward fifteen year later and that seven year old is not much taller and could easily be mistaken as a 12 or 14 year old teen. Except that at this point I had just finished school, had a college degree and was about to start my first "real adult job." It was an AmeriCorps position where I was doing a year of service at a community college in Boston. A real adult job that had real adult responsibilities; I had my own office, extension, email - the whole nine yards at a place where looking cute would no longer matter to anyone.

My job was to put together a mentoring program that served first-generation community college students. Most of the students were older than myself, some had had years of life experience, some were veterans who were not much older than myself, many were parents and they were all at various places in their lives but knew that they wanted some guidance to help steer them in a direction toward success. Suddenly the spotlight I was in was not so much because of what I looked like, but more because of what I was asked to do. At least I knew that much was true; however, I found out quickly enough that it would  take awhile for this truth to sink into the community that I was serving.
Who is this young person that is suddenly trying to put together a mentoring program for us? And what does she know about how things work here? She's so small and soft-spoken our students aren't even going to listen to her. These were some of the question I was up against and the attitudes that were pervasive for the first half of my year of service.
I quickly realized that things were different now than they were for me when I was a kid. I needed people to pay attention because of what I had to offer. I wanted the attention away from myself, and instead on the need that I was confident that I could meet. I would need to take on more of an authority figure than I was used to, and somehow fish out of thin air at least 24 more inches to add to my height. Needless to say I was well aware that I had my work cut-out for me.

After months of research, interviewing, and performing assessments on students and staff members to figure out what kind of mentoring program would be needed, it was time for me to present the findings. I would be presenting to the school's Board of Trustees, the President of the college, other members of the Cabinet, and various faculty members. Going into the presentation I told myself this is it. I thought to myself this is my chance to own up to the work that I've done because in this presentation nothing else matters, nothing else should matter but what's best for the students at the college.
That day I was still 3ft tall, as tall as I had been since age 11 and as tall as I will ever be. I still had a pip-squeakish soft-spoken voice, I was still in my first "real adult job," and was still the youngest employee at the school. Not much had changed except that by putting the needs of an entire population of students before myself, I grew to be taller than everyone else in that room. It was me who had the upper hand in that moment, I was the one who was offering a real solution, and while it was nerve-wracking for me to defend my findings to the Board of Trustees - when I responded I realized that I am the one who is speaking with the most authority and knowledge on this topic.
Since then whenever I am confronted by another moment where I might be physically 'dwarfed' by others, I look to what's at stake --

Authority in a Small Package:

• It's not about you. People look to leaders who are comfortable with themselves and are confident in varying situations. I have learned that if I make it about how nervous I am or how diminutive I feel, then that's all folks will see. But if I make it about what I can offer and what I know, I can easily switch the focus away from my more vulnerable aspects. 
• Authority is only gained with respect. And as we all know, gaining respect takes time. For authority to work you need an audience that will listen, and people will only listen if they respect you. Build respect and trust, thankfully these aren't things that require any great height or physical strength to acquire.
• If you doubt yourself then others will follow suit. When we think about why we don't think we're capable, is it because of what we're telling ourselves? Or is it because what others are telling us? When we tell ourselves that we can't give the speech then it's not going to matter how others perceive us because already we've talked ourselves out. But when we tell ourselves we can give that speech, the way others perceive us can become fodder for us to prove wrong. And who doesn't like a good ol' "Hah! I WAS right and YOU were WRONG!" 
• Eye-contact. This is one of those tricks that I have had to practice a lot. Just because I am short doesn't mean that I need to physically look-up or look-down at anyone. By matching someone's eye-contact we are already beginning to present ourselves to be capable of playing on the same playing-field. It also conveys a sense of seriousness and an air of 'adulthood,' when we are naturally able to do this. 

• Monday: A letter of appreciation to my wheelchair. 
• Tuesday: Happy Valentine's Day! 5 Tips to ensure you're taking care of YOU! 
• Wednesday: Hope is the thing with feathers... and other observations of hope
• Thursday: Coming back from an injury can feel like starting all over again. Don't give-up
• FractureFreeFriday: This week's question I answered was "is it difficult being the only one?"

Dear Readers!
In honor of this day I wanted to make sure that my readers are being taken care of. So much of this day can be lost in the chocolate, flowers, and Hallmark cards... but we have to remember that none of that is going to matter if we don't each appreciate ourselves first! With that said I thought I'd give a few of my own tips of how to appreciate ourselves -- Enjoy!


5 Tips to Appreciate Yourself:


1. Get Rested. Are you on the mend from a fracture? Just getting over a stomach bug? Whatever it is that you think you must get done right now - could probably wait at least another 30min. Take a nap! Personally, I am a big fan of naps now that I am over the age of 18.. Feeling physically energized and well rested is one of the surest ways to tell your body that "yes that New Years' resolution wasn't just for the first 5 days of 2012, I do intend on putting my body first this year.." 


2. Take time for a pastime. What's your hobby? What brings you joy? It doesn't need to be an extravagant time consuming thing, it could be as simple as going for a walk, seeing a movie, or painting! The point is to bring joy to your life by allowing your mind and soul to mingle together over something fun. Just ask my friends, I work a lot and it's annoying for them, for me, and a lot of people around me. But by allowing myself time to read fiction or play a few tunes on the piano, I am able to de-stress and am a far more pleasant person to be around. I see it as downtime to recharge while still being awake and conscious.

3. Go do that thing you've been meaning to. Seriously, why are you putting it off? Do you have a legitimate reason? Or is it because you've just been too distracted and 'busy' with the trillion other things? We all have those little things on our list of "things I've always wanted to do.." that have gotten pushed to the back burner for long enough. By allowing ourselves time to explore new things, accomplish new tasks, learn new skills we are able to grow and expand as people. It's exciting! It's refreshing! For the longest time now I've been meaning to write a new song on the piano, so finally over the weekend I dug out the keyboard and got to work. It just so happens that I was able to accomplish a lot more than just writing a new song, I re-discovered a thrill and challenge that I have missed for a long time without even knowing it.

4. Belly laugh. (The other part of that being)... at yourself. If you're not good at it, then get practicing because being able to find humor in yourself sends positive vibes radiating for miles around you. My favorite people to be around are those who willingly laugh at themselves, who are comfortable and secure enough in themselves as people to be able to say "you know what, that freak out that I had was ridiculous and absurd.." Last week I realized that I was overly stressed out and anxious the whole week (to the point of almost crying every night..) when the thing I was stressed out about wasn't even that big of a deal. This week I have to face the same thing, but after having chuckled at how ridiculously spaz-monkey I was being about it last week - I now know that I don't need to waste so much energy stressing out about it anymore!

5. You are awesome. We all have things that we need to improve upon, personal faults that we wish we could change, personal goals that we wish we could have accomplished (..2 years ago..) - but now's the time to trust yourself that all of that will get done. It will get done because you are a capable person who appreciates themselves, and by doing so the rest of your effort and thinking that you put to whatever it is you aim to accomplish will all be coming from a confident place filled to the brim with your own positive self-worth. So go ahead, look in the mirror and tell yourself that "I am awesome!" Go ahead.. I'll keep a look out and make sure no one's watching..