Showing posts with label respect. Show all posts

Barrier Breaking Tip: With enough practice (and mistakes) you can turn any action into a habit.

• Monday: Yeah, yeah, yeah I'll get it done.... later. 
• Tuesday: A few tips on garnering authority from a small package.
• Wednesday: Seriously though, how am I even supposed to respond to that?!
• Thursday: The realm of possibility is infinite with these characters
• Fracture Free Friday: What makes life [with O.I.] easier? 

As a young child it was easy to get people's attention. Until about age 11 I remained the size of a small stuffed animal, and have been told that I was irresistibly adorable. Many adults were curious about the fragile seven year old who could converse with fourth grade vocabulary, but appeared to be the size of a two year old, and scurried across floors with the confidence and speed of a fourteen month old baby. Growing up I remember there was usually someone rapt with attention as my parents patiently explained my curious stature and why "the whites of her eyes are so blue." Among adults I had become used to being in the spotlight, accustomed to being listened to because of what I looked like and what I had.

Fast forward fifteen year later and that seven year old is not much taller and could easily be mistaken as a 12 or 14 year old teen. Except that at this point I had just finished school, had a college degree and was about to start my first "real adult job." It was an AmeriCorps position where I was doing a year of service at a community college in Boston. A real adult job that had real adult responsibilities; I had my own office, extension, email - the whole nine yards at a place where looking cute would no longer matter to anyone.

My job was to put together a mentoring program that served first-generation community college students. Most of the students were older than myself, some had had years of life experience, some were veterans who were not much older than myself, many were parents and they were all at various places in their lives but knew that they wanted some guidance to help steer them in a direction toward success. Suddenly the spotlight I was in was not so much because of what I looked like, but more because of what I was asked to do. At least I knew that much was true; however, I found out quickly enough that it would  take awhile for this truth to sink into the community that I was serving.
Who is this young person that is suddenly trying to put together a mentoring program for us? And what does she know about how things work here? She's so small and soft-spoken our students aren't even going to listen to her. These were some of the question I was up against and the attitudes that were pervasive for the first half of my year of service.
I quickly realized that things were different now than they were for me when I was a kid. I needed people to pay attention because of what I had to offer. I wanted the attention away from myself, and instead on the need that I was confident that I could meet. I would need to take on more of an authority figure than I was used to, and somehow fish out of thin air at least 24 more inches to add to my height. Needless to say I was well aware that I had my work cut-out for me.

After months of research, interviewing, and performing assessments on students and staff members to figure out what kind of mentoring program would be needed, it was time for me to present the findings. I would be presenting to the school's Board of Trustees, the President of the college, other members of the Cabinet, and various faculty members. Going into the presentation I told myself this is it. I thought to myself this is my chance to own up to the work that I've done because in this presentation nothing else matters, nothing else should matter but what's best for the students at the college.
That day I was still 3ft tall, as tall as I had been since age 11 and as tall as I will ever be. I still had a pip-squeakish soft-spoken voice, I was still in my first "real adult job," and was still the youngest employee at the school. Not much had changed except that by putting the needs of an entire population of students before myself, I grew to be taller than everyone else in that room. It was me who had the upper hand in that moment, I was the one who was offering a real solution, and while it was nerve-wracking for me to defend my findings to the Board of Trustees - when I responded I realized that I am the one who is speaking with the most authority and knowledge on this topic.
Since then whenever I am confronted by another moment where I might be physically 'dwarfed' by others, I look to what's at stake --

Authority in a Small Package:

• It's not about you. People look to leaders who are comfortable with themselves and are confident in varying situations. I have learned that if I make it about how nervous I am or how diminutive I feel, then that's all folks will see. But if I make it about what I can offer and what I know, I can easily switch the focus away from my more vulnerable aspects. 
• Authority is only gained with respect. And as we all know, gaining respect takes time. For authority to work you need an audience that will listen, and people will only listen if they respect you. Build respect and trust, thankfully these aren't things that require any great height or physical strength to acquire.
• If you doubt yourself then others will follow suit. When we think about why we don't think we're capable, is it because of what we're telling ourselves? Or is it because what others are telling us? When we tell ourselves that we can't give the speech then it's not going to matter how others perceive us because already we've talked ourselves out. But when we tell ourselves we can give that speech, the way others perceive us can become fodder for us to prove wrong. And who doesn't like a good ol' "Hah! I WAS right and YOU were WRONG!" 
• Eye-contact. This is one of those tricks that I have had to practice a lot. Just because I am short doesn't mean that I need to physically look-up or look-down at anyone. By matching someone's eye-contact we are already beginning to present ourselves to be capable of playing on the same playing-field. It also conveys a sense of seriousness and an air of 'adulthood,' when we are naturally able to do this. 

If you've been following the blog for some time you may remember that I have had various "helper persons" from pre-school till 9th grade. At the start of 9th grade I got all teenager-y and stubbornly wrote off my aide and won the case for my independence; from that point on I was deemed capable / responsible enough for my own well-being and have not had an aide in the classroom since.

Fifth Grade, I think?

When I think of the aides I had in elementary school one thing immediately comes to mind: they were all involved in the education of the entire classroom. Though much of their time was spent one-on-one with me, I remember my aide in third grade taught math lessons and my aide in the fifth grade would often read aloud to the entire class. I didn't consciously realize it then but I appreciated and even liked this aspect of their job quite a bit. In many ways, I believe having an aide who was accessible to and involved in every student's education made my integration into the mainstream classroom a lot easier. In elementary school I was rarely without friends and more importantly was never ashamed of needing the extra help; it also helped my friends and other classmates better understand what I was all about in a more seamless way.
In middle school I had several aides throughout the three years. I'm not totally sure what the school was thinking but when I was in the 8th grade my aide was a man. Already that fact alone made it difficult for me, as an awkward 13 year old girl, to connect with him. Not only was he not involved in the learning that went on for each student, but he was also a one-on-one aide for a student in my year who had a learning disability. From what I remember though, during the IEP meeting at the end of fifth grade (as my parents and teachers met before my transition to middle school), it was decided that my aide would help me with things like going from class to class, getting heavy binders and books out of my back pack, fire drills, and in the case that I had a fracture would help me take notes. Since I was now an 'older kid' the focus of my aide was a lot less on the social aspects of my school day and more on the academic learning aspects - no doubt my parents had a lot to do with this decision.
But in all honesty I vividly remember how much I was annoyed by my aide in the 8th grade. I found him to be utterly useless, boring, and more or less wanted nothing to do with him. In fact I remember how my friends and I would race into the elevator before he got there, quickly slam the door close button and giggle hysterically as we watched him try to chase after us, struggling to get through the messy crowd of pre-teen back packs. Yep I was that dreaded pre-teen girl every adult loathes, I'm quite sure that I was that devious 8th grade girl. Another time, during shop class, my friend and I decided to mess around with some horribly boring sounding book my aide was reading (he had left it unattended on top of a desk). Not only did we think it a good idea to turn the book to a random page so he would lose his place, but we also decided to draw a happy face on one of the pages with super glue. I told you, devious. 


Throughout my experience with having an aide I was fortunate that most of my aides were not like the one I had in 8th grade. Their personalities ranged from being very quiet to the ones who would joke around with me, or to the ones who just shrugged in exasperation every time I zoomed down the halls with a friend standing on the back of my wheelchair. None of my aides were ever flat-out mean or unaccommodating. Many of them quickly realized that I was going to do as much as I could, regardless of whether or not it was a potentially terrible and injury-prone idea. For instance, climbing ropes in gym class. Or trying the monkey bars during recess. I think one year we tied the rope to my wheelchair during tug-of-war and I was finally allowed to participate in the school-wide competition. My aides let me jump and skip in my walker even though I was really only supposed to be walking. They would listen to my complaints about having to wear my long leg braces all day, and every now and then I was allowed to take them off. My aides respected the times I wanted to try something, and although they probably weren't always sure whether or not I could handle it - they encouraged my curiosity and development by letting me do it. Of course this meant that they were always right there with me standing by, and most times it meant that they were physically holding on to me for dear life!

So with all of that said I have compiled a list of characteristics that I would include in my ideal classroom aide:

• Have a sense of humor that's like mine! 
• Be involved in what's going on in the classroom
• Have a fun personality but also know when an authority figure is needed. Secretly I do expect my classroom aide to keep me safe when one of my seemingly "good ideas" is not so good.
• Back-off when friends are around
• Allow friends to help me as appropriate. The truth is that as young kids grow-up they will increasingly realize that they will be the ones who need to ask for help, and many times that person may be their peer or colleague. Starting this early-on is only planning for the long-term!
• When I am hesitating about doing something that involves physical activity, help talk me through the decision process
• Trust me enough to have some time alone; my aide shouldn't be a literal shadow!
• Respect my curiosity
• Respect and help me during uncomfortable situations. No kid willingly wants to admit in front of his or her friends that they need help going to the bathroom or getting changed for gym class
• After a certain age, let me tell you when I need help
• Help me explain my disability to my friends in an appropriate manner and when the time is right
• Realize that if I want to do something that my aide usually does, this is not a sign of my trying to offend you but instead I am just trying to learn. Help me realize what it is I need help with, and what I can do with assistance
• Never assume that I just can't do it. Allow me to take the first steps in trying and then assist me as needed