Whether it's Social Security, medical forms, health insurance, housing, transportation, etc. How many of us have had to fill out forms that asked us:
Please check off all health conditions that apply -- 
Or my favorite:
Please list applicant's medical condition(s) and any changes to his/her health in the past year. 
(Because really? Is there ever enough space in that empty rectangle for all of those changes?) 


For today's post I'm going to list some answers that I wish I could write down in those forms. Of course, as you should hopefully know by now, any whimsical thoughts from me are usually a bit tongue-in-cheek. 

Do you or anyone in your family have an injury, illness, or disability that has lasted or is expected to last 12 months? Check yes or no.
Can I check both 'Yes' and 'No' here? Yes, it has lasted 12 months. No I hope and don't expect it to last 12 months, though it probably will. Thanks for the reminder.

Do you or any family member need healthcare because of an accident or injury? 
Seriously? I don't even understand why you bothered typing that question. No, instead of healthcare for the accident or injury - I'm going to put my lucky socks on every night and wish on a shooting star. 

Has a lawsuit, workers' compensation claim, or an insurance claim for an accident or injury been filed? 
Why? Are you going to be paying for those legal fees? If I filed a lawsuit for every accident or injury - I could be a young 20something and happily retired. Instead I'm a young 20something who hopes to add more to society than sue the community center door that slammed into, and broke my arm.

Does the applicant require a wheelchair, walker, crutches, or other mobility device?
Yes the applicant requires a wheelchair. But mostly I require my brain and a smart-aleck mouth to get me and everyone else moving and mobile. 

Can the applicant navigate public transportation independently?
Are you kidding? No one can navigate this city's public transportation independently! But more importantly the question should be - is your public transportation accessible to the public? Or is it just accessible to some members of the public? 

Please explain the applicant's disability and provide the exact medical diagnosis, along with any changes in his or her health in the past 6 months.
The applicant's disability limits her tolerance for ignoramuses, and inane questions that don't serve to move her closer to her goals. It is also marked by a shorter than average stature in patience for slow paper-processing-robots who suck on Butterscotch candies all day. Osteogenesis Imperfecta, Type III. No changes in health in the past 6 months, aside from a slight increase in alcohol tolerance from being able to finish half a beer to a whole beer. Liver function remained unaffected at last medical check-up.   

Are there other form-questions that annoy you to have to fill-out every. single. time? Let me know what I missed!