Showing posts with label excuses. Show all posts

It was just another too-early Monday morning. At least, that's what I would tell myself right after it happened. But in the pit of my stomach I knew there was really no excuses for what happened to me one morning in a school elevator.

The elevator doors slid open and I sleepily rolled in and pressed the number "2." I parked in the rear right corner, just as I usually did on so many other mornings. For the duration of that 12 second elevator ride I rested my head against the wall, yawning away while trying to ease my brain into productive-work mode. There were already two other people inside the elevator by the time I was inside. I assumed that they were students from the notebooks and backpacks that they were carrying. In my non-awake state I barely paid any attention to them, that is until one of the students next to me reached out and patted me on the head.
Immediately I picked my head up off the wall and looked up at him. In my head I raced through the names and faces of the students I had been working with, was he one of them? Why can't I just learn to love coffee like everyone else in the world? Why can't I be more awake right now to remember?! As I smiled blankly at him, hoping that he wasn't actually a student whose name I was supposed to have remembered - the other student in the elevator looked at me then at him. That student must have picked up on my blank smile.

"Dude do you know her?" The student asked the guy who had patted me on the head.
"Umm no, but I see her around all the time." He responded.
I was not only fully awake now but also trying to think of something to say that would stave off any potential awkwardness. Needless to say I didn't think of anything in time before the other student said,
"Don't touch people you don't know, man. Don't pat her on the head like that. You shouldn't have done that."
As if on cue, the elevator doors slid open right at that moment and I zipped out.

This certainly wasn't the first time where I was patted on the head, like some shivering puppy in the rain. And this wasn't the first time where I didn't say something when I should have in a situation. Of course I am thankful that the other student was there, that he said something for me, but really it should have been me. What I should have realized at that moment was that regardless of whether or not that was a student I knew, he should not have been patting me on the head. I was worried that it was a student that I knew, and in my concern for that -  I realized it's so much harder to tell someone you know to stop condescending behavior vs a total stranger.
Maybe it's because, for me, telling a total stranger "that's offensive, cut it out" is much easier to do than telling a friend, a relative, a teacher, or even a co-worker. But from that incident I learned that offensive behavior is just that - no matter the people involved. It's always rude, always needless, always hurtful. So that's what I have learned for next time, because next time there might not be someone else to say it for me, next time I know I shouldn't smile blankly back, next time I won't be making any excuses.

Barrier Breaking Tip: With enough practice (and mistakes) you can turn any action into a habit.

• Monday: Yeah, yeah, yeah I'll get it done.... later. 
• Tuesday: A few tips on garnering authority from a small package.
• Wednesday: Seriously though, how am I even supposed to respond to that?!
• Thursday: The realm of possibility is infinite with these characters
• Fracture Free Friday: What makes life [with O.I.] easier? 

How many of us make excuses for ourselves? Probably everyone. I myself am notorious for saying "okay, I'll get it done later." These are the things that we tell ourselves because we would rather not deal with something, or just don't have the time to complete a task right at that moment. Since we have created these statements on our own, we inevitably end up listening to these excuses.

How many of us hear excuses that are made for us? Probably everyone too. The difference between excuses that others give us is that it's not internal, and we do have the option to hear these statements. But what's evil about excuses is that they are so often the easy way out of things. They are tempting to buy into, the reward for taking an excuse is readily there at your front door, there's no effort or work to it - just nod and sign your name.
But from my own experience I have always found that accepting the excuses others present to us is quite frankly boring. There is no adventure to it, the ending of the situation seems to have already been known, and I find myself crossing the finish line guiltily because the "win" seems undeserved.
I have also observed that people are quick to present an excuse for people with a disability because it's just easier. But only for them.
There is nothing easy about swallowing assumptions that are being handed to you. Each time this happens a person is ultimately accepting a limitation that is being enforced by someone else out of various conveniences. Every time I have done this it seems like I have willingly taken on some part of me that is false or a fraud. For instance I have thought: "really? Did I really just agree that getting admitted to the aquarium for free makes up for the fact that it's not accessible? So getting a free ride is the solution to inaccessibility?" This is an excuse because it's just easier and more convenient, but for who? Since I can only speak for myself, free-loading off of society or our communities is not an image I want to reflect who I am.
By giving someone an ending that is already known is the easiest way to face fears, or to dissuage any discomfort. For the person with the disability? I often times see it as an assumption that people have of me, or a stereotype that at that moment I have the choice to either promote or change.

My FM system had died minutes before and my policy debate partner and I were prepping for the next round of the competition. As we shuffled through papers and talked over strategies for potential arguments, I kept glancing over to where it was being charged - hoping that the little red flashing light would miraculously turn green.
"Are you sure you'll be able to follow the arguments?" She asked me. Visibly nervous about whether or not I would be able to perform as well. [If you are unfamiliar with policy debate, just youtube it and you will see high school students gasping for air as they careen through 8-12 arguments in 2 minutes. Yes I was one of those nerds].
"Yeah I think I'll be okay. I'll just sit a little closer in front and not off to the side to read his lips better."
"Okay, it's just that they're one of the best teams in the state. I mean we could have someone substitute for you, he's gonna go fast and I don't think that you'll - "
"I'll be fine" I assured her.
During that next round my partner and I had better communication between us than all the previous rounds. We scribbled notes, changed courses of arguments, and were on the same page when it came time for us to respond. Maybe it was because we stepped up our game in the face of a tough challenger, but I think in large part it was because we were both focused and more determined to not miss a single word. The truth is that we were more than fine. We had won.

Excuses can come from the most well-meaning people like our families, friends, parents, teachers. They might not always come off as negative, and we might not even be aware that it is an excuse that we were just handed - the point is though that every time we hear a statement being made about us we have the choice to agree with it or disprove it. What could have been an easy exit may very well be your next opportunity to act.


"I must create my own system, or be enslaved by another man's; I will not reason and compare: my business is to create." - William Blake